better days & getaways

You know what I love?

Inviting Stephen out to a weekly event that we both love, knowing he'll risk extreme lack of sleep for work the next morning & say "Yes" anyways just to spend time with me, and then once we meet up before said event, deciding we'd rather stay in (even though said event is only 2 doors down) at my place drinking Whiskey from a flask, playing GameCube, and snuggling.

It's been a month now, and I think we've finally managed to get over the akward 'feeling each other out, how does this work now that we're suddenly more than just friends' adjustment phase, and are finally starting to get used to this whole formal relationship thing.

He asked me what I wanted for Valentine's Day last night. All I could say was "Sex. Lots of it!" - Which I'm sure won't be a problem once he gets the chocolate body paint and bottle of wine that I've got planned to for him. I'm excited. I mean, I feel like such a tard saying this, but I'm looking forward to it because Valentine's Day was always so anti-climatic with Jim. I'd go out of my way to make dinner or prepare a special date, which would ultimately end in no effort on his part - no gift, no planning, and the worst part (because really, I can live happily without the latter two) - no appreciation. Like the year we planned to go to his band's show on Valentine's Day, and I went all over town to find his favorite chocolates - when he came to pick me up, we had the most male gratifying quickie (in which I didn't get off and he didn't bother trying to help me get there), and then refused to acknowledge my presence for the rest of the night - even making me find my own way home after the show, despite him having a car. Or the year I made us dinner, and did the simple act of writing my favorite poem by Michealangelo about love on a small piece of paper and leaving it on his dinner plate - the next morning, I found it in my trash can, crumpled. Then there was last year - I had a $100 gift certificate for an incredibly swanky restaraunt in Yaletown - and decided to use it Valentine's Day to give us a special date, a night of pretending to be fancier than we are, just for shit n giggles. He got in a bad mood on the way out, and we got in the most ridiculous fight on the way home - which resulted in me being dropped off with no thank you - not for the use of my Gift Certificate, and certainly not for me footing the extra $80 required to top up the tab and pay the waiter a semi decent tip.

So yeah, I'm excited about this Valentine's Day, probably more than I normally would be about such a blatently consumer holiday. Not because I hope to or expect to get any gift from Stephen - it's not about that. It's about being with somebody who actually takes these things - and how I feel about them into consideration. Someone who will appreciate whatever small token I have to offer up, and who will surely make me feel completely adored with whatever small token they have for me (even if it is only [HA! ONLY!] marathon sex).

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I was cleaning out my desk drawer today at work, and came across the picture of Jim I used to have on my desk, long before I met Stephen. I'd forgotten about it, having replaced it with a photo of Stephen & I ages ago. It's from the summer he first met, when he was still 19, I was still naive, & we were both happy. The photo was taken on the ferry to Nanaimo, commemorating our first trip to his hometown, Campbell River. He looks fantastic in the picture - clean cut, healthy, strong, and, if I'm honest, quite beautiful.

Jackie came by my desk to on our first coffee break, and noticed the photo sitting on my desk, unframed & dusty, amongst scattered bits of paperwork. Even though she'd met Jim plenty of times in the past, she had to ask me who it was. She didn't recognize him at all. And you know, it's weird - because even though the picture is clearly of Jim - and even though his physical appearance has not really had a dramatic change since the time of the photo - he looks completely different. There's a peacefulness, a sense of contentment, of an ordinary, happy, functioning life, that the picture captures which Jim now lacks.

It was always my favorite picture of him, and now I can barely stand to look at it, because it makes me grieve. I mourn the loss of the amazing person he was, I mourn the loss of what was once the most awesome friend lover companion I could ever ask for. That person is gone now, not even a trace of it exsists in the Jim I saw last week. I used to believe in my heart, as I watched the Jim I knew and loved slip away, that one day, he'd return, and we'd go back to getting on with our happily ever after. Now, I know better. It's like that person I knew and adored is dead.

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Speaking of happily ever after: Jim's mom used to say that we were such a great couple, that she never saw two people have so much fun with each other, even when they were doing nothing. I think most of his family had thought we'd one day marry.

I'd forgotten about that, what it's like, that it's possible even, to just be with somebody and have fun. It sounds simple enough, but somewhere in these horrible relationships we get ourselves into, as we stumble along trying to figure out the difference between love and need, desire and desperation, fun gets thrown to the wayside, an after thought in a circumstance where the highest priority is trying to find a way to figure out why everything is so fucked up without actually changing anything.

This is why I am so looking forward to Valentine's Day with Stephen, regardless of how much or how little holiday sentiment the day actually holds. Whatever happens, we'll see each other, and that honestly, will be celebratory enough, because hanging out with him is awesome. It's fun. It's sex with my hottest, dorkiest, britishiest (hahaha), closest friend. It's video games & anime, manhattans & vietnamese subs, and it's completley free of drama, stress, or sorrow.

This, this is the way a relationship should be, and now that I've had it both ways, I can't imagine ever getting into that horrible space with anyone ever again. Thank fuck I've managed to learn this lesson early on.