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[February 08, 2008 @ 9:34am]
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Moving Locations... [May 14, 2007 @ 1:58pm]

I haven't updated in here in a while, and I might stop for quite a while. 

I'm going to start updating my other lj,

somnisaugurin[Unknown LJ tag]
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Rowing [May 08, 2007 @ 8:09am]

Last night was beautiful. Rowing against the sunset, the water a blue-black mirror. When we row, we are low to the water, just inches above the surface we glide across the far reaches of the Burrard Inlet. Stroke.... stroke... stroke. 

I was in the stroke seat last night - at the back of the boat, the last to cross the finish line, when I row I see nothing but open water. I set the pace for the rest of us, hard on the drive, slow up the catch. Never slow enough. 

It's beautiful where we row. At the far end of Burarrd Inlet, at Rocky Point Park, the water is surrounded by hills and mountains. Covered in trees and fog, scattered with houses, and in places, the abandoned bits of industry that line the Barnet Highway. It's quiet out there, and warm. We row rain or shine. 

It's been several weeks now, and there are only a handful left. We're training for a single race, and then it's all done. We do drills - tapping, starting, driving, ratios. Our coach - 18 years old, with a wide smile - is a Univeristy student who rows with the SFU team. She tells us stories about her 5am practices, about her races, and about her own learning curve. She pushes us gently, helps us carry the boat back to the boat house, and makes us laugh. I imagine her Univerisity experience is the type I'd hoped to have. 

I am going to take a dispoable camera out on the water next time, so hopefully I'll have some pictures to show you. This will all be over at the end of May - at which point I may look into joining the rowing club downtown. Our race is in 3 weeks. I have to remind myself to cherish this while it lasts. I am so glad I signed up for this. What an experience it has been.


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!!! [May 05, 2007 @ 2:13pm]
[ mood | yay! ]

I am going to CocoRosie tonight!

Yes, you should be jealous. And if you aren't, then you simply don't know the sheer genius you are missing out on. Imagine Bjork high on opium with harps, ambient beats, and sounds that come from children's toys. Oh, and throw in a classically trained Opera singer and Antony from Antony and the Johnsons, a taste for dress up, play, imagination, and childhood, and you'd be close, but still have no idea.

I strongly suggest you check out their myspace and then download all of their albums. They may sound odd to start, but once you warm up to the whimsy of their sound, they are incredibly addictive.



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hi [April 04, 2007 @ 7:56am]
I am not updating much lately; life is happening as it always does, with some minor (and some major) changes to keep things interesting. I work, I sleep, I cook dinner for Stephen and I, I struggle with the concept of too much spare time. I get off work at 2 and some days sit in my house wondering what to do with myself. Hopefully summer will remedy this. 

The nightmares are back. Mostly, it seems, about my father. About trying to reason with him and about being devestated upon learning that he's entirely unreasonable, that my emotional and moral pleadings for him to do the right thing fall on deaf ears. I wake up crying aloud, rousing Stephen from his sleep and requiring ridiculous amounts of comfort before I am able to suffiently calm down in order to sleep again. I've also had nightmares about Stephen cheating on me, but as distressing as they were to live (sleep?) through, they are far removed from the truth and therefore not worth stressing about. 

I lost my glasses in Whistler, I start rowing on the water with a team next week, Easter is this weekend, and Stephen moved in two weeks ago. See? Life is happening. It's hard to believe there was a time when each of these events would have warranted several long blog posts. Not that it's a terrible thing or that I'll never go back to blogging that way, it's just that I'm not feeling it right now. Which isn't to say that I'm not lonely or that I don't feel that I'm lacking in close friends, because I do feel that way and it's weird. 

I want to dye my hair pink again. If not entirely, at least partially. Maybe chocolate brown and pink? I need to find a hairdresser that will do this. Perhaps in time for my birthday. I also need to get my eyebrows waxed and my hair recut. And, I suppose, I'll be going back to wearing contact lenses in leiu of buying another pair of glasses. It's been almost a year since I had contacts. It will be a nice change. 

Stephen and I are having a party on Apr 13th. It's for his housewarming and my 24th birthday. So far the invites have been fairly limited as we figure out how many people we can fit into our place and try to remember who all the people we know are (yeah, we suck, but we don't want to forget anyone we dont' often see). If you haven't recieved an invite yet and feel like you'd want to come, chances are I simply haven't gotten around to digging up your email address/cell phone number/other online contact info to let you know. Not having the internet at home hasn't helped this effort. 

If you'd like to come, comment and I'll see about getting the details to you. I can think of at least a few LJers who I'd like to invite still and will try to contact some of you in the next few days. But if you want to give me (and my busy, tired brain) an hand and remind me you're on here, that would be appreciated. 

I miss how well I used to write. Stephen is always asking me when I'm going to start my next project. I have several ideas on the go, and they *have* to be worked on, otherwise they are going to cloud my head WAY too much. It's kind of exciting. 

That being said, I'm going to go back to work. They gave me a raise a few weeks ago you know. THe spontaneous, "Hey, we've noticed you deserve this" sort of raise that I've heard about but never recieved from a previous employer. 

Life is better than I'm able to make it sound here.
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Mah Birthday [March 22, 2007 @ 7:18am]
My birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and I haven't figured out anything to do for it yet. It falls on a Thursday so most likely I'll be celebrating it on Friday, but I don't quite know what to do. 

Stephen and I were planning to have a party in the first few weeks of April to celebrate him living with me and my birthday, but I'd like to do something else if possible, (with more/different people invited) a night out somewhere, or a dinner. 

I want to do something fun and different, but am totally out of ideas. For Vancouverites especially: any inputs on cool places to go/things to do? The karoke room rental thing is a bit over done, and I wouldn't mind checking out something different and unique, like the salt tasting room - but I've never been there. 

It would be totally cool if I could find a low key club night some place or had enough connections in this city to arrange one somewhere. Something where it wouldn't feel weird or akward to have lots of people partying with me (ie, they won't get swallowed by a zillion other people in the club). 

Meh. I don't know. I need to think about it, there is still time. In the meantime: Any ideas? 
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life. [March 19, 2007 @ 11:08am]
I haven't written any serious/interesting/heartfelt/contemplative posts recently, but it's not because nothing is going on. 

I've been internalizing a lot of my stress these days, and feel less of a need to talk to people about it or post about it on livejournal. While I'm not entirely sure this is a good thing (especially considering my tendancies to deal with stress via nightmares), it's just how I've been these days. There are of course, other factors contributing to it: less time to write, different priorities, less time spent online, etc. 

There have been some interesting things going on. 

Example 1: I found out last week that Jim is at it again with Jessica. The cops were called to her apartment because neighbours heard them fighting. When the cops arrived he told them that she had just recieved devastating news about the death of a relative and was mentally ill and off her medication. She had pot in her house and was paranoid about the cops actually coming in, so she went along with it (also out of fear of Jim). What actually happened was she confronted him about naked pics she found of him online (LOL pics of his penis on a penis show off site aimed at men) and he went crazy - started freaking out/manically laughing at her/shoutign at her about how she was raped as a teenager, and threw her kitchen table at her across the apartment. 

I got a bit upset and in the last week have been in touch with various poilce agencies, the more interesting bit to note was to attempt to follow up on a fight him and I had back in 2004 - he'd beaten the shit out of me, threatened to kill me, left me with a black eye and bleeding face and threw my cell phone out his car window. I'd ran to a gas station where I had a terrible time dealing with a bitchy dispatch ("You're wasting all our time if you aren't going to press charges"), got scared and left without speaking to the poilce. They later showed up at my house, but at the time Jim was there and I was terrified, so I refused to comment. 

Anyways, I spoke with the cop who had been originally called to the scene that night, and he actually remembered it (tracking down my home address, speaking with the gas station attendant) and was sympathetic and agreed that Jim needs to be stopped, and I gave a statement about what happened back then, but he told me it is very unlikely crown counsel will accept it for charges beign that old. Which is fair enough - mostly though, I got something I really needed, a sense of closure that I hadn't recieved to date. It was amazing to speak to a police officer about that who wasn't stigmatizing me or bringing me down or making me feel guilty. 

Anyways, this is an ongoing thing and while I know it is not my job to get involved too much at this point, I'm not stretching myself beyond my emotional capabilities and I feel really good about it. The next step is to see if the Vancouver Poilce will take my tip and revisit Jessica to see if she'll give them a new statement about the incident a few weeks ago. 

Example 2: My mom has her first court date this morning in regards to the divorce. Last week on Friday, she recieved from my dad's lawyer the document he will be submitting about his current costs of living. 

Now keep in mind that they have now been seperated for 17 months. During that time period my dad has been giving my mom $400 a month - for food and expenses. She lives in the house they shared (not by choice), hasn't worked in 25 years, is extremely unhealthy and has no car (and no way to get out of the house when she needs/wants to). He has always maintained that this is justified for the following reasons: a) he is stretched to the limit because he is now paying rent + mortgage, twice the utilities, etc, and b) he pays all of her bills (mortgage, phone, cable etc). 

This is bullshit for 2 reasons: 1, if she had moved out and was renting a place, he would not be allowed to sell the house until this was settled so he would be paying the mortgage whether she lived tehre or not. Instead, he'd have to give her cash so she could pay her own rent, utilities etc. Everyone knows the legal standard for alimony support is around 35-50% of income, especially in cases where the wife hasn't worked/is unemployable. 

Second: You should see the list he submitted. On top of the mortgage, his rent, the utlities of both of the housholds, he declared he spends the following:

$200 a month on meals outside the home for him
$200 a month on entertainment related expenses for him

$80 a month for Jonathan's allowance
$100 a month for Jonathan for gifts
$100 for Jonathan's entertainment related expenses
$30 a month for Jonathan for haircuts (which is really funny because my brother has grown his hair super long since he moved in with dad)
$100 a month for toilettries/cell phone/etc for Jonathan. 

Which adds up to $410 a month cash for Jonathan. When he only gives my mom $400. And when he only gave my mom $200 extra when Jonathan was living with her. 

Am I (and my mom) the only people on the planet who can see the obvious bullshit in everythign he says? I know there is no way he gives that much cash to my brother every month because he's told me as much and because my dad is stingy as fuck. He probably never gave me that much money my ENTIRE teenage years, let alone, each month. Also, he knows my bro spends money on pot and booze and would not give away that much cash to him each month. No effing way. 

He must be gettign the worst legal advise in the world, because really, if you look at the facts, my father looks like  a fool. 


Other than that, life is good. Yesterday was Miso's birthday! Stephen will be living with me by the end of the month! We have no idea how he's gonna move yet - if one of you fools would like to donate your time/driving ability/vehicle in exchange for a ton of love and perhaps lots of beer or food or both next weekend, let me know. 

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On my weekend. [March 19, 2007 @ 10:42am]

Not going out for St Patrick's day: kinda sucks
Going for Dim Sum after church @ Pink Pearl and then walking through Strathcona all the way downtown: kinda nice
Blowing off EP!C because our feet hurt to instead go home with a bottle of Jager: totally rules
Getting tied to the bed for a few hours once the Jager was gone: Priceless. 

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Daily Horoscope for Aries, Wednesday, February 28, 2007 [February 28, 2007 @ 10:35am]

Doing the right thing in love may not be as much fun as following your whims, yet the rewards will last longer. What began as a light and easy romance may now require a more mature attitude on your part. Once you set aside your most unrealistic dreams, you will have a better sense of what you must do. 

Stephen is moving in with me on April 1st.

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BBC reports building 7 collapse while it is still standing... [February 27, 2007 @ 7:18am]

Originally uploaded by cantstoptharock.
Ok I don't like to jump on the conspiracy bandwangon, but this is kinda crazy.

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wii! [February 19, 2007 @ 11:19am]

Originally uploaded by cantstoptharock.
In case you don't know yet, I got a Wii for Christmas. It's totally badass and it's the best thing to happen to video games since Mario could move on 3 axis'. You all must admit, Mario64 was pretty hardcore and an amazing jump from side scrolling to 3d. But, I digress. The Wii -> it's amazing.

Fuck PS3 and XBOX360 - boring. It's all so 2003. The Wii is where it's at. Anyways - until you play one you'll probably have no idea. Here's my Wii code: 5814 1671 6964 6250, if you've got one too, add me MOFO. We'll have good times, with Mii parades and sending messages. It's like being part of a secret society. We know what it's like - and all those poor fools who paid too much for a different system or who are still waiting/trying/lining up to get one dont' even know. They can imagine - but they have no clue. Suckers!
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<3 [February 14, 2007 @ 11:05am]

Originally uploaded by cantstoptharock.
My boyfriend rules.
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RIP... [February 08, 2007 @ 1:13pm]
Anna Nicole Smith just died.


I feel so bad for her daughter - what a crazy drama this whole thing has been since she was born. Her brother dying mysteriously, the paternity issues, now this. I can imagine the custody battle which will be fought out in court now that her mom is gone. What a nightmare. 

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originally posted in cloud_atlas (if you want to comment, please do so there) [February 05, 2007 @ 7:28am]

I did not sleep last night. 

Instead, I spent 6 agonizing hours tossing, turning, listening to the noises the cat was making in the hallway, trying not to think, meditating, cursing, wishing and praying hope against hope that sleep would come. 

The night had held so much promise - after a divine dinner with Stephen at the Cannnery, and exquisite sex at his place to follow, I spent my bus ride home yawning, eyes half open, looking forward to crawling into bed and passing out. 

I wasn't even able to fit in a few meager hours of sleep before the alarm went off, and probably would have allowed myself to be late for work if I had even come close to falling asleep between snoozes. I was awake all night. Painfully so. 

This comes, of course, after spending my previous nights sleep on disturbing nightmares about pedophiles in Mexico and friends getting arrested for drugs in Dominican Republic. That night I woke twice - the second time for 3 hours before the alarm went off for church. We skipped church and I was finally able to rest only after daylight - what is up with that? 

I have my first appt with my counsellor this afternoon and for the first time I'm thinking that perhaps I should see a medical doctor in regards to all of this as well. It's one thing to have nightmares - but since a couple of weeks ago when I had 2 or 3 nights in a row where I got less than 3 hours of sleep despite going to bed in time for 8 hours, my sleep has been all fucked up too. I'm not looking to take any drugs for this - sleeping pills won't help the real problem and they certainly won't help the nightmares. There is that clinic in Yaletown somebody told me about once - the one where one of the doctors is a lisenced hypnotherapist - that may be a good place to try. I only say that I should see a medical doctor because a) that way it's on record in case this could possibly affect my ICBC settlement, and b) if things start to get out of control I may need a dr to make a referral to the UBC sleep disorder clinic or something to that effect. Sure, it's only mild to moderate insombia at this point, but there's no guessing how much worse it could get, especially considering how much things have escalated since Christmas. 

I started this morning with a coffee and (I'm almost embarrased to say) a can of Coke for an instant caffine/sugar rush to help get me through the day. Now, on top of feeling exhausted, I feel ill. 

I can't wait to get work/counselling over with so I can go home and sleep. I know I shouldn't be napping (I want to give up daytime naps for lent), and I know there is a cool new vido game waiting for me at home (Brandy got me Zelda for Wii!), but I just can't bear the thought of another night like last night and not sleeping inbetween. I can't take any more days off work, I can't let this make me crazy. 

I'm so tired of feeling like shit. 
Why me?

Update. [January 29, 2007 @ 1:20pm]
A simple status update, cause I'm too lazy to update properly, and I can fit my life into point form:

-Work is fantastic. I love my job, I'm paid well, I'm respected and valued. I've been given special projects just for me to do, and in my probabtion review last week I got nothing but extremely positive feedback. I've never felt that any employer recognized my work as much as this one does. They are hiring, is anyone looking for work?

-Things with Stephen and I are ridiculously lovely. We are happier and more in love than I ever imagined, we have plans for his parents to visit late this summer, and are planning a trip to either Mexico or Dominican Republic in the fall. The sex keeps getting constantly better, and I've never felt so much myself around any person, ever.

-Speaking of Stephen - he's still in school (for 3d design), finishing his second semester, preparing for his 3rd and final, in which he'll focus almost entirely on his demo reel. Job prospects are looking good, with various tips and tidbits coming in from people he knows in the industry almost weekly. I can't imagine him being unemployed for long after school - which is totally awesome.

-Things with my parents are still fucked up. My dad is a bigger asshole than ever, highlighted by the Christmas card which came from him and was signed, Dad (?). I don't really know what else to say other than I don't actually miss him from my life all that much.

-Miso is an allstar, and is HUGE. I should post pictures lately. I can't imagine life without him in my house. I love my kitty.

-I've dropped back down to a size (comfortable, in designer clothes) 8! For the first time in my life it is not related to post-traumatic stress disorder/body dismorphia/poverty. In the last 3 months I've managed to completely cut out all pop/chips/candy/pre-made/microwave/fast foods. It hasn't felt like a sacrifice either. All I've done is constantly made a point of surrounding myself with healthy fresh foods, and 9 times out of 10, it's the more appealing option. The best part is, I don't deny myself anything, I've just managed to not desire any food that is bad for me. I can't imagine going back to eating such terrible, unhealthy food on a regular basis. I've also been heavily researching the "slow food movement", including the 100 mile diet, and the pros and cons of organic vs local etc etc and feeling entirely and incredibly empowered by the difference to my health and the world around my that my choices can make. It's awesome, and I feel better than ever.

-My cell phone number has changed. It's now 778-317-5306. I think I might have psoted this already, but here it is again.

-I've been updating cloud_atlas a fair bit. It's very interesting to type out my dreams, but so far not helping to reduce their occurance. Therapy is going to be arranged shortly.

-I'm not sure what else to say. Except for minor drama, overall life is good. I'll probably be updating more in the coming weeks... I'm not sure why I haven't updated much in the last few months other than to say I've been reading my friends page everyday and a posting break is probably sometimes a good thing.
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new lj. [January 25, 2007 @ 6:49am]
I've created a second lj. cloud_atlas has been set up in a (futile?) attempt to find a way to deal with the nightmares that have been plaguing me for the last 18 months or so. Please feel free to add it, although I probably won't be adding people back through that journal b/c any blogs I want to read I'll continue to link through here (for simplicity's sake).

It's going to be pretty much exclusively about my nightmares, and my attempts to deal with them.

Just an FYI.
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I know chirashi_don will empathsize with this... [January 24, 2007 @ 10:12am]
There is a new girl in our office today. I don't remember her name, or even what her position is, or where she came from. Already though, she is the bane of my existence.

Let's just say that between her size zero pencil skirt that shows nothing other than a perfectly curved ass, her perfect barbie white pumps that somehow make her look cute and trendy and not at all trashy, and her uber straight dark hair that hangs half way down her teeny-tiny 5'4 frame, there is no way I'd leave my boyfriend alone with her.

That's right, she's the real life nightmare otherwise known or referred to as "Hot Asian Girl". (Although, personally, I prefer the acronym, HAG.)

Sure she's probably a nice enough person, with her cute school girl smile and her somehow ageless features. And I'm sure she can't help that the only places that carry a size zero are Aritzia and Plen y, and it's not her fault that their size large translates into not quiet mediums by everyone else's standards (and thus excluding me from shrouding myself in such cute and trendy fashions).

What's worse, is she definately can't help that my current boyfriend has a penchant for asian girls (or at the very least, tiny framed, tiny titted, small hipped looking slim girls), at one point nearly threw away a hot 6 month fling with me to try to hook up with an asian girl in a different city, and has more hentai/asian girl porn on his computer than I'd really like to admit.

If there is anything I can say in her favor thus far is that she's the type of girl who inspired me to never be anorexic. Not because "she can't help being skinny and would dye for my curves" or any similar propaganda. It's only because I could eat a single lettuce leaf everyday for a year and would still never be able to fit her clothes. I like to succeed at the things I do, and I certainly don't like to know I will fail before I begin. Anorexia by the standards of her body is asking for failure.

And it's not that I'm fat or anything. It's not like I'm 5'4 and packing WAY too many pounds for my small frame. I'm 5'7 and my boobs are DD and am only actually about 15 pounds overweight. I wasn't built to be that small, and I know it. Instead of being tiny and frail and ever so feminine, I turned out curvy and voluptuous, with sex appeal that is difficult to express without coming across as sleazy or trashy, and impossible to express as innocent.

Which in and of itself, isn't so bad as I grow up and learn how to harness that appeal and grow comfortable in my skin and adjust mylife style and caloric intake to my body's metaobolism and energy needs and blah blah blah. And it's not like I'm not working towards these things. And it's not like she isn't probably a really sweet nice girl. Hell, maybe we'll even become close friends.

Maybe we'll go and party with Sally (other teeny, tiny girl in our office - though white and therefore less intimidating), and maybe I won't feel as though I'm huge and obtouse and like the jolly green giant (even though I'm over half a foot tall than each of them when I match their heels). Maybe we'll bond and giggle and drink and everything will be lovely. Maybe she'll be my new best friend. Just because she's cute and tiny and beautiful and EFFING HOT doesn't make her evil right? It's just genes right? None of this is HER fault afterall.

Still wouldn't leave her alone with Stephen though. Not in a million years.


Just sayin.
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EUGH. [January 19, 2007 @ 12:07am]

I don't up date for nearly 2 months, and what is it that finally pushes me to write something in here? Facebook of all things. Stephen and I just got in the most stupid argument over facebook via gTalk and now I'm so upset I can barely think.

For the record: I can't stand social networking sites. I find them to be a huge waste of time/energy, allowing people to create their own little vanity projects under the guise of "keeping in touch" with people that without such sites they'd either be too lazy or couldn't care enough to foster and maintain a friendship with in the first place. So instead, they add them, comment on their profile every once in a while, and proudly proclaim themselves as friends.

Since when does that constitute a friendship? I'm sorry but if they only way that a person and I are getting updates on each other is via MySpace bulletins, obligilatory comments "Happy Birthday! You Rule!" and periodic profile updates, how in all honesty can I call that person a friend?

Ok sure, maybe I'm being harsh, but what about the massive amounts of time people pour into these profiles and these random comments, that could actually go towards, hey, I don't know, a phone conversation or a cup of coffee, writing a personalized email, you know, they types of things that friendships are actually built on and that help friendships grow?

It just seems like one big cesspool of everything that is so wrong with a lot of people and the internet in general. Vanity, unproductivity, overtsexuality, desperation, self promotion, false sense of worth (I have 2349234 friends! OMG and I got 5 comments today!), tons of energy going into something, that ultimately, doesn't give back or add or help create anything useful.

Now I'm not saying that everyone on these sites is bad, or that all the profiles are terrible or that no one should use them. Hell I have a MySpace profile myself (although the only thing I ever find myself using for is music, and adding people back who've somehow stumbled across my profile and would like to believe that even though the last time I called them 4 years ago they didn't return my calls, that we are indeed, still friends, by virtue of simply having once known each other).

I'm just bothered by what these sites do to people. How obsessed they become with checking their profiles (even when they don't realise it). How some people can have entire conversations about what they did and who they found on FaceBook today. And I wouldn't say this if it didn't come from experience of actually knowing people who are/have been addicted to these sites. Addicited to what it does to their sense of self worth when 10 people comment 'ur hot!' on their lastest pic update. Addicted to the feeling or rush of getting some random hot person message them and say that they are cool. Addicted to people thinking their taste in music is 'good' or 'obscure' or whatever. Addicted to constantly tinkering with and updating their profiles so that it always looks cool when they could be putting that creative energy into something beautiful and useless for crying out loud.

Gah I could go on. And no, I'm not calling all of us who use these sites addicted. I'm not calling us all arrogant assholes and I'm not going to say that we all use them to get laid.

I'm just saying that when I say something as simple as "Facebook just isn't for me, sorry, but thanks for the invite" there's no reason to press it any further. I have my fucking reasons. I just don't like it. What in the world is so wrong with that?
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I dont' know why I don't update anymore. [January 18, 2007 @ 5:54pm]
I have a new cell phone number: 778-317-5306
My little sister took over my city fido contract, so she's got my old number now.

I'm bored. It's rainy, and I'm feeling slightly down (possibly due to both former and latter). Does anyone want to come over? I'll feed you beers and we can play with my Wii or watch a movie or anything. I don't know why, but I'm feeling totally lonely and would love some company this evening.

Call the above noted cell number, or comment or email. We'll have a rad time, I promise.

edit: Anyone going to the Emily Haines show tonight?
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Merry Christmas! [December 24, 2006 @ 1:20am]
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